No. 12: đ§Žđ„€đ
On your â04 Christmas back home, you meet two girlfriends from youth group at a TGI Fridayâs. They debate if youâll be able to buy moisturizer when Christâs Second Coming brings Armageddonâwill shops still be open?
You realize you no longer share the same worldview. Eâs wedding day was the same as your first nude photoshoot. While she married, a virgin bride, you posed topless for a magazine. You donât know what compels you to tell them.
âTopless?â E blinks.
âIt was artsy. Very tasteful.â
You know no amount of artistic taste will make your toplessness any less shocking.
âIt felt super liberating,â you add.Â
âSo you have a portfolio and stuff?â asks M.
âItâs in my car.â Silence. âWanna see it?â
You show them partly to prove you feel no shame, but mostly because you do. These are the girls who once held you accountable. Old habits die hard.
They turn through the colorful 9x14 pages. Itâs not you in the photos. Itâs her, the slithering alter-ego that comes out whenever youâre paid to be someone else. Sheâs captivating, powerful. She isnât afraid of her sexuality and she isnât afraid of men, or herself.
They stop on a page. Your elbows are thrown to your sides, exposing bare breasts from an untied feather capelet. Your eyes glare off camera.
E looks grave. âArenât you worried what your future husband will think?â
âIf he minds, then heâs not my future husband.â
âBut donât you want to be pure for him?â
âGod cares more about the purity of my heart.â
Â
Your lips claw for a strawful of water. You know you sound like a sinner justifying her backsliding by taking advantage of Godâs grace. The judgment you feel is only the same as the judgment youâd dish if the roles were reversed.
They donât know you donât care what your future husband thinks because you broke off your betrothal to the man supposed to be he. They donât know youâre already hell-bound. They donât know you wait daily for Satanâs attack.
Maybe your worldviews are still closer than you thought.
Fuck that.
Back in LA, when a nonreligious friend asks your definition of sin, your answer stuns you.
âSin is going against your true self.â
Youâve never meant anything more.