Hollywoodland No. 22: 💪🏼💉 💊

Sep 21, 2022

You’re worried about him, your boyfriend. He has a shirtless scene coming up, so he hasn’t had a sip of water since yesterday morning. He hasn’t eaten bread since last week. His heartbeat is erratic—puh-p-p-puh-p…puh—from energy pills that “speed up metabolism.” You used to be in nursing school so you check his blood pressure. Not good, no, not good at all. You beg him to drink water.

“Can’t, babe, it’ll make me gain water weight.”

He lives on chicken breast and broccoli. No salt. He downs fistfuls of pills from the GNC he frequents more than a grocery store. Carmen Electra always greets you, a life-size cutout promising cut abs if you too pop pills called NV. Envy. It’s in his eyes as he watches you eat a quesadilla at Baja Fresh while his plate of limp chicken and soggy fajita veggies steam condolence.

“Does green tea have carbs?” he texts.
“No,” you reply.

Women go through it, too. You’ve been invited to group throw-ups on set. You’ve tried VelaShape, Murad, and the bruise-leaving rake called a FasciaBlaster. Your cellulite remains unsmoothed. You know what it’s like to want the bread roll at catering and reach for the salad tongs instead—you’re in a bikini more than your boyfriend’s ever been in a swimsuit. You know all about water weight. So do your girlfriends. They also know about boob jobs, rib removal, and bald patches of scalp they hide with more extensions of hair.

“Women have it worse,” they say. You’re not so sure. Do the men in this town not also starve themselves? Do they not get Juvéderm in their jaws like women inject Restylane in their lips? Do they not pop Propecia like women replace meals with shakes? It seems everyone’s on the Master Cleanse. Erewhon’s sold out of cayenne.

Other boyfriends go through it. One returns from the gym with a limp, ankle swollen, arms swoll. Eight-pack abs on a broke-back man. Another snaps at you out of nowhere, face red and sorry. Testosterone injections are the #6 reason for breakups in LA, you’d bet on it. Add a month of manorexia and watch your love life spiral.

“Gotta get superhero ready, call-back’s in two weeks.”

He won’t book the part and your relationship won’t last.

Alice in Hollywoodland: Tales of a Would-Be Starlet is a memoirette series started on Instagram by Alice Greczyn, written with creative liberties such as changed names and timeline forgetfulness. All rights reserved by Alice Greczyn.