No. 6: đđ«đŠŹ
You play a part-Black girl in your first role as a series regular. This will haunt you years later and honestly troubled you then, but a jobâs a job and this is 2005. The kind woman playing your mom says sheâs part-Black, so you suppose you could maybe pass for quarter. Your fake dad is whiter than Wonderbread, at least.
Oh how youâll cringe to look back, grateful and guilty and Part of the Problem. You think no one will want to hear about your first-world stories and struggles as an actress, yet one day, youâll be surprised to find how much they actually do. Do they know what theyâre asking? Here goes, youâll think.
âSheâs too ethnic.â
Itâs the number two reason you donât book rolesâthe number two reason casting gives your reps anyway. Producers think youâre white-passing until they try matching you with a fake family. Suddenly youâre browner than they thought, an olive among peaches.
Youâve been too ethnic since you were five and the church kids wouldnât play with you âcause one dad said youâre part-Black. The rumor is you and your little brother were adopted into the rest of your honey-colored family. âItâs our hair, like buffalo fur,â youâll joke. Inside youâll cry.
To some, youâre Mediterranean. To others, youâre Brazilian, Indian, Middle Eastern. Put it this way: Youâre white enough to bring home to a boyfriendâs racist family and exotic enough for his flirtatious dad to comment on. Thatâs the word he uses. You wouldnât know, but youâre pretty sure oneâs top three FAQs donât include, âWhat are you?â if youâre truly white-passing.
In the 2010s, casting starts saying youâre too white. Overnight you go from too ethnic to not ethnic enough. Ethnic will become a slur word erased from grocery store aisles, but right now it feels accurate. If itâs about representation, you wonder, where are all the mixed-races? Hollywoodâs cry for racial purity in the name of diversity baffles youâthe want full-Asian, not the mutt you are. You donât say this out loud because youâd be damned.
You will never understand what itâs like to be any races other than yours. Itâll take you a while to accept this is perfectly okay.